Shakarian Lite
by vojir
Summary: Garrus and Shepard have an extremely complicated & long-standing relationship. This is kind of an examination of it. Sort of. A little bit.
1. Chapter 1

"what do you want from me, shepard?" you ask her, because she's pushing you and not everybody's perfect like she is. you can't be the good guy all the time, because the good guy doesn't get revenge. he talks and talks and makes arrests and people die anyway because it's never what you wanted or expected.

(you went back to the citadel after you helped take down saren. it felt right, but only because of what shepard said.)

("you can't predict how people will act, garrus. but you can control how you'll respond. in the end, that's what really matters.")

(you'd told her that you'd never met anyone like her. because it was true. she was noble, and brave, and fair. she was strong and an exceptional commander. you'd always wondered why she hadn't risen farther in alliance ranks.)

she looks away and you're so angry but she's pretty much the only friend you have left in this whole messed up galaxy that you're scared to say anything more. you want to be your best because you want her to be proud of you, which is such a weird fucking thing to want from someone the same age as you but it's true. two years she was dead. two years and you didn't know what to do because she had given you direction and then vanished.

they didn't need your help on the citadel. and she probably would have objected to your ideas for omega, but she wasn't around anymore, now was she? she was dead.

she was dead and you'd watched the ship drift in flames as you sat, safe, in the escape pod. it had taken all your willpower not to strangle joker when you landed, because that fucker was the reason she was dead. he refused to leave and she saved him and how many times had she laughed about sacrificing herself for her crew? how many times had she stood at the helm with joker and berated him and told stories about her colony days and been his friend?

kaidan punched him. he punched joker and then sat on the ground and didn't cry and it was terrifying, because there was a pall of grief and loss and anger and you could see joker's hatred of himself in his eyes. and for weeks, for weeks the hole where the commander was sucked at your chest like a vicious wound that wouldn't stop bleeding.

and they left. everyone left, because without the commander they didn't really have anything in common. you went to omega. liara went to illium. kaidan went back to the alliance. wrex went back to tuchanka. the normandy was gone, and her crew with it.

and then she showed up at the last moment you expected her to, with two cerberus agents and scars on her face. acting like nothing had happened. like it had only been a day since you defeated saren and sovereign and she wanted to go out for drinks like you had when she was alive.

her face is lit by the glow from the citadel. blue and bright. she has dark hair and dark eyelashes and bright eyes and she stopped you from shooting that piece of shit harkin (even though she told you about him hitting on her and she laughed but you could tell she was angry). and here she was, trying to talk you out of killing sidonis.

you struggle with the morality of it. sidonis was responsible for the deaths of every single member of your team. he was a traitor, filthy, reprehensible and hateful. but the reappearance of shepard had sent your life wheeling hard to port (as kaidan might have said). you had expected to die back there on omega, broken down eventually by the blue suns and eclipse and blood pack. and maybe (you would never admit this) you felt a little relieved as you were sitting there sniping one merc after another, knowing that at some point they were gonna shoot you before you could shoot them. maybe you (shut up) were going to be (no, stop) glad for the sleep. but then she walked in and you didn't know what to think or feel.

you wanted to kill him. it would be the simple way to do it. but shepard never goes for simple. she goes for saving everybody (or almost) and redemption (if possible). you are 99% sure that sidonis can't be redeemed and you can't be convinced otherwise. you are also sure that shepard will exploit the tiny 1% of you that wonders if sidonis is being punished enough by his conscience already.

"look, he'll be here soon. that spot over there is perfect. i'll go set up."

shepard looks at you but you're already climbing out of the shuttle. you kind of know what's going to happen, but you trust her and for now that's enough.


	2. Chapter 2

He didn't really know what to expect when the doors of the chamber finally opened.

It had been several hours. Since the flash of light, since the explosion, since Shepard had vanished into the beam. The Reapers had retreated in that time. Surrounded by cheering soldiers and falling Reaper forces, Garrus had felt something wrong in the pit of his stomach. Like something was missing.

He'd told her to come back. She always kept her promises. And he could tell when she was lying. (He didn't think about the fact that she hadn't actually promised. And he saw it in her eyes when she looked at him. She was saying goodbye.)

So here he was, and the wrong feeling in the pit of his stomach was being smashed by the fearful hope that maybe she _had _lived, that her indomitable will _was _enough to overpower the Reapers, that even after everything, she'd made it.

(She'd died once before, after all. Was it really so unlikely that she would escape it again?)

He stepped through the doorway, blinded by light.

"Vakarian," he heard, and it was her voice, and he was so relieved he almost fell to his knees.

And then his eyes adjusted.

"Is that your ugly mug?"

It was wrong. All of this was wrong. Her face looked like a husk's. Her eyes were cold, icy blue tinged with black, like the Illusive Man's. Her smirk was more cruel than he'd ever seen it.

At that moment, he knew. This wasn't Shepard. Not anymore.

The ball of hope and fear and loss in his stomach condensed until he finally did drop to his knees. "Shepard," he said, but he wasn't talking to the being in front of him that wore Shepard's face under a mask of Reaper machinery. He was talking to her memory, to the woman he'd loved, to the person he'd respected above all others. "I'm sorry."


End file.
